Angst...

I'm blogging from outside a coffee shop in my hometown, sipping on a hot chocolate and enjoying the internet without wires. I'll probably only be able to do this for a little while longer since I have to turn this laptop in soon. Maybe I can convince my wife to let me get one for our family... ;-) The coffee shop is just down from a Blockbuster Video - they must make money hand over fist, because there has been a constant stream of people in and out of there just in the few minutes I've been sitting here.

I'm also in a suit and tie. On summer break, in 75 degree weather, but all duded up following an interview this morning. I'm in angst because I really have no idea how I did. Usually, I have a good idea - even though most of the time I'm wrong. I'd think I did great, blew their socks off, but they end up going with someone else... or I go in not caring one way or another, give the answer that I really want to give rather than the one I think they want to hear, and boom, I've got the job. Today, I couldn't tell you one way or the other. They made me wait for a half hour, but I was pleasant none-the-less. I answered their questions with sincerity, honesty, and enthusiasm. I tried not to talk too much, but give complete answers. I looked them in the eye, but not so much as to give them that uncomfortable feeling. But... I really don't know. Maybe that's a good sign, maybe it's not. I think my really wanting the position is contributing to my confusion. Maybe I really am just a dolt.

Those I told, I told not to get too worked up over it. Not to hang too much in the balance. But here I am, worked up and 'overly hopeful'. I have to remember that God will take care of me and my family, as He always has, and always will. I just don't want to make the job any harder than it is.

Randomness...

It's been so long since I've posted. So either:
A) The novelty must be wearing off
B) I must not have much to say
C) I must be too busy to take the time to do it
D) All of the above

The answer is, of course, D.

I'm really a push mower kind of guy. Not just because it's environmentally friendly. Not just becuase I can get much more exercise while mowing my lawn. Not just because it takes me back to my early youth. It's all of those things and more. Yet.. I'm tempted to get myself to Home Depot or Sears and get a nice gas powered, bagged mulching mower.

I'm a real heal. For Mother's Day I got my wife a couple of nice cards. That's it. Sure, I offered her money to go shopping with, but - and I can't honestly remember why - I didn't GET her anything. No real thought. No real care. I wasn't being mean, I just wasn't thinking. Now, today, for Father's Day (early), she whips out everything I could possilby need for our new grill. The apron, the BBQ mit, an electronic meat thermometer fork, the five piece utensil set, even the little corn on the cob skewers. I'm a looser, and there's nothing I can do right now that can get me out of that category.

Balance. As much as I may struggle to obtain it, I'm way off.

"Who cares!"

I have CNN on in the background as I work. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. I should get a bumper sticker for my chair that says, "I'd rather be watching FOX News".

All these CNN dolts seem to be able to talk about is Hillary Clinton's book. All I seem to be able to say in response is "Who cares!" The professional talking heads keep bringing on these no-name talking heads to spout about it. They're comparing it to Barbara Bush's book, they're reading excerpts, they're talking sales, yadda, yadda, yadda... WHO CARES!

Oh, there's a surprise... they've managed to break the nausea with the news of Martha Stewart's law troubles. Again... all together now... WHO CARES!

This day is sounding alot like a joke about "Two dumb blondes..." - the punch line evidently is "one gets a book deal and the other gets jail time".

"Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're full up here..."

I've been struggling lately with the idea that 'life shouldn't be such a struggle'. For instance, I was fiddling in my yard with one of those solar powered path lights you can get at Target, trying to straighten it. I pushed it further into the ground only to have it break. Shatter really. 20+ minutes later, I did some patch work with electrical tape and put it back out, not anywhere good as new. We'll see if it ever works again or not.

It's all the 'I just wanted to break off that string in the seem of my pants and now I have a pair of half shorts/half pants' moments that we all encounter. I just seem to be having lots of them lately. It's putting me on edge and I'm generally a bear to be around at times. I know it's all a matter of persepctive. Maybe I'm just experiencing a years worth of those experiences in one week and I'll have the other 51 weeks free. I doubt it though. I'm also growing a bit more pesimistic, can't you tell?

When my wife asked what was wrong, I said I didn't really know - and I don't - but I was just on edge. 'You'll live.' I said, not knowing why, but implying that I wasn't going to go nuts on her. 'Yeah, but will you...' she replied, getting my gist and warning me of the physical pain she'd lay on me if I didn't start getting my act together. I belive her too.

So - insert faith, trust, and submission. I get the idea I've been swimming up-strream this week anyway, and it's time to get with His program.