I'm in shape... round is a shape...

The following are my currect alternatives to actually loosing bonifide weight.

1. Get a haircut, at least I can feel like a new man for a few minutes.
   
2. Replace bathroom mirror with funhouse mirror.
   
3. Remove bathroom mirror all together.
   
4. Tell everyone I'm putting on weight for my next movie roll.
   
5. Explain that my heavy breathing is actually interest in what they're saying.
   
6. Refer to climbing single flights of stairs as 'antiquated'.
   
7. Save tags on older 'tight fitting' clothing and sew over labels of replacements.
   
8. Grow full beard to cover tripple chins.
   
9. Encorage daughter to play with me like an adult - cards, Scrabble, channel surfing, anything not requiring extranious toddleresque movement like jumping, running, walking, crawling, or standing for too long. Her stunted developmental growth? Cross that bridge when we come to it.
   
10. Two words: elastic waistbands.
    
11. Start next new dieting craze: The Egg Salad Sandwhich and Dr. Pepper Diet (TM).
    
12. Detail the brilliance of Orson Wells, Marlon Brando, John Candy, Raymond Burr and Pavoratti.
    
13. Face the facts; when the next great famine comes, I'll live just a little bit longer than most others.
    
14. Blame it on my current sedentary job.
    
15. All the extra energy would just be used to accomplish things anyway, and who wants to raise the bar like that?
    
16. Tell others that letting yourself go has certain advantages, then quickly change the subject when they ask about those advantages.
    
17. Watch for me on the next episode of ABC's Extreme Makeover
    
18. Keep telling my wife, "There's just more of me to love."